I'm Not That Girl
by Zoe Rose
Summary: Set somewhere between ‘Titan Rising’ and ‘Betrayal’. In character hopefully exploration into Raven’s thoughts as she tries to deal with her secret unrequited crush on BB that she could never safely pursue.
1. Prologue

A/N This is a conversation between Raven and her emotions as she meditates. Raven's speech is in normal fonts, Raven's emotions are in italics and I've left out naming them, hopefully you can tell which emotion is speaking anyway. I've left out any narration whatsoever, so you, the reader can use your imagination. If it seems scattered, keep in mind we're dealing with a complicated emotion, that and I wrote this between 3:00 and 3:30 last night because of insomnia. Stupid insomnia. Takes place somewhere between Titan Rising and Betrayal. Enjoy!

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I had my chance and I blew it completely. I can't help but put the blame on her. Terra. Now the only clichéd phrase that runs through my mind is "Too little, too late". That's what I had to offer: too little, too late. I suppose I should thank her, her arrival had opened my eyes to the truth about my cold little heart. That I am capable of falling in love no matter how foreign love is to me, no matter how much love frightens me no matter how badly I want to deny it and push it away into the deepest, darkest regions of my mind. She opened my eyes to that and now, no matter how hard I try I cannot push away the side effects of love. I should've acted on it. I should've done something the moment I realized I had feelings for Beast Boy before it was too late. Before she came back. Before he became completely smitten with her. The girl I could never be. If I had only told him how I feel...

_Ah, yes, one of the biggest crimes when it comes to matters of the heart is to do nothing. But remember, as the saying goes: "It is better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all."_

Who ever said that deserves a swift kick in the ass. That is bullshit. It really is. I was better off never feeling the hurt and the pain that comes with falling in love. I was better off never falling in love in the first place. I suppose whoever said that never took into consideration the one person in the world who isn't capable of expressing love. I mean what can I do to show him how much I love him without blowing something up? Besides I never did have him. Ever. So how could I have loved and lost? I only loved, that was my loss. Why me? Why now? I should've never fallen for him. Never. And yet I did and there's nothing I can do about it. Not now. Not anymore. Not ever.

_That's true. There's nothing that can be done. Saying anything now would only make him hate you. Doing anything now would only hurt him. _

There are some things in life where you only get one shot, one chance to get what you want. The same is true when it comes to love I guess, I had my chance and I blew it.You know, I would've done something or said something before Terra came along and stole his heart but I just couldn't. I guess you can blame it on my fear of showing even the slightest amount of transparency and revealing to him, to my friends that yes, I do have feelings.

_Oh no! Heaven forbid, Raven, our cold little Raven has feelings? Call the national guard, the world's going to end! Whatever._

But really, what is the harm in revealing myself once in a while? What is the big deal about showing the people I care about the fact that I care about them? What harm is there in showing a little ounce of love once in a while? If I had just let him know that I care about him, more than a friend then maybe, just maybe it could work out between us. I know that once upon a time he felt for me like he feels about her. But no, I had to remain cold and aloof as always.

_We all know that if you even tried to show him you love him, you'd risk turning into a time bomb. You can't get emotional. You know that. You're dangerous._

And that's why I should've never fallen in love in the first place.

_Oh come on! Show a little optimism Raven! It's not that bad. Love is really a wonderful emotion. There's always still a chance. Be thankful, be glad that he's happy. You've got to pull yourself together! It's going to be OK! _

I suppose I should hold on to it. I should cherish it. Beast Boy still cares about me, we are still friends, so what if he no longer loves me back the way I love him. I should be thankful that he's found happiness. I should be glad for him, not jealous of her. And maybe I can get another chance one day...

_No. You had your chance. You blew it. Beast Boy is with Terra now. He loves her. Not you. You may as well give up._

Yes, he does love her. Not me. Not anymore. It's no wonder I feel so jealous of Terra. Perhaps it is because of jealousy that I didn't like her, no I despised her at first. Maybe I really had no reason to not trust her except because of my jealousy. Maybe the visions I had about her are wrong although they still bother me, they still linger...

_That's because Terra's a traitorous BITCH!!! She stole him from you right from under your nose! She doesn't deserve him! Take him! Take him Raven even if you have to take him by force! Even if it means getting rid of her once and for all! She's a traitor probably just waiting for the right moment to betray us all!_

I can't do that. Besides she's not. She can't be. Why would Beast Boy fall for her if that's the case?

_Love is blind. Even if the visions you had were true and even if he knew it, Beast Boy would deny it until it slaps him in the face._

Then that would mean he really does love her. I should have just told him how I feel when I had the chance. I should've taken him aside and been there for him at the very least instead of always give him the cold shoulder. If I didn't ruin my chances, if I wasn't forced to show nothing but restraint... you know, I would make any sacrifice necessary to show him how I really feel about him. I would come here and meditate every waking moment that I'm not with him, just so I _can_ be with him. Just so I could safely love him back. But what's the point? He's with her. He's with Terra now. He doesn't love me. Not anymore. I had one chance, one shot and worst of all I had all the time in the world to take it and I missed out. I never did take the shot, I never did take the risk and I never will.

_Suppose though you did get another chance. Suppose you could tell him how you feel. What would you do about it? Would you act upon it? Do you honestly think you'd take that chance?_

Honestly? Probably not. I'd probably remain as cold and emotionless as ever. Damn. You know, sometimes I hate being me.

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A/N Wow, I can really empathize with Raven in this one. (Maybe that was why it was so easy to write...) Anyway, please R&R! It would make me happy!


	2. Glue

A/N This was intended to be a one shot, but everyone said continue! That was when the writing bug attacked so I decided I'd write more! The rest of this will not be in the same format as the prologue. Thanks to all my wonderful reviewers!

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Raven sipped her tea contemplatively as she looked out the window. Beautiful night. She sighed. She was glad that she managed to sort out her unrequited feelings for Beast Boy. They no longer were driving her mad. She had more control of herself now. Although it didn't change how she felt. It didn't change the fact that she liked him, possibly more than a friend. It didn't change the fact that it hurt. She only had more control, she was only a little stronger with keeping her feelings locked away than she was earlier that night. That was the only benefit of her chaotic session within her mind and Raven tried to convince herself that it was enough.

It was one little question that had set her off earlier that day, turning her into the whiny angst ridden ,teenage girl type that she loathed so much. Angsty teenage girls who moaned over the fact that, if they couldn't date their latest crush they would like, totally _die_, drove Raven crazy. What was the point in pining over something so trivial? That was why Raven thought she would go insane when she realized that, even though it was just for a moment, she was one of them. For a moment she was in the shoes of some whiny, immature little valley girl type. She shuddered. Never again. That was why she had to sort herself out and it worked. It worked, but it still hurt. She couldn't deny the butterflies that tore at her insides whenever he was near, she couldn't deny the nausea she felt whenever he was with _her_. But at least she had control now. Raven shook her head, she had to stop blaming Terra, she was her friend now. Visions or not, Terra had proved her worth as Raven's friend despite stealing the heart of the little green changeling she had come to respect and admire-- goofy immature antics and all. Raven couldn't afford to be jealous.

During her meditation Raven had reluctantly concluded that Beast Boy and Terra were really perfect for each other and that Raven just had to accept it no matter how much it hurt. She'd get over it. She'd get over him in time. She had no choice.

As she watched as the sun began to set Raven thought about that question. That one stupid little question: _Hey Raven, you got any glue?_

She shuddered at the memory. It was just an innocent little question, but it turned her into the childish girl she could never be, even if she wanted to, heaven forbid. She was minding her business in the living room, reading one of her many horror novels when he came in and asked that damned question:

"Hey Raven, you got any glue?" Beast Boy had asked earlier that day.

Raven raised a brow, "No."

"Oh," he sighed, "Do you know who might have some? I need the strong, superglue stuff."

"I don't know," she shrugged as she looked at the book she had been reading. She stole several glances at Beast Boy who was heading back out of the living room. Her heart skipped a beat. _Damn_. "If you don't mind my asking, why do you need glue?"

Beast Boy's eyes lit up and he excitedly sat down beside her. Raven felt like her heart would melt when his fingers brushed against her thigh by accident as he sat down. _Stop it, stop it. This is pointless._ He stared at her like he had just won the lottery or something. She secretly liked it when he gave her that look. Raven motioned him to answer instead of sitting there smiling like a goon.

"Promise you won't say anything?" he asked.

Raven nodded slightly.

"Of course you wouldn't." Beast Boy chortled, "I can always confide in you with my secrets. You always listen, even when you don't want to and you're the most trustworthy person in this tower!"

_Thanks BB...I mean Beast Boy. Man, Raven get a hold of yourself. _"Well?" she asked.

"Right, sorry," he grinned, "I just had to get that off my chest. I know you hate sentimental compliments and stuff."

_No I don't. _"So then what is it?" Raven asked monotonously. She blinked, trying to contain herself. It went unnoticed by Beast Boy though.

"I'm making something for Terra," Beast Boy exclaimed, "I want to surprise her!"

Raven lurched. _Terra. Of course. You like her now, that smitten look is not directed at me anymore. _She felt nausea sinking in. _You're making her a gift? That's so sweet. Why didn't you ever make _me_ something? _Raven put her hand to her head to try and shake out such a frivolous, selfish and shallow thought. _Come on Raven! Get a grip!_

"Something wrong?" Beast Boy asked.

Raven tensed slightly, "No, everything's fine."

Beast Boy shrugged, oblivious to her inner plight. "I'm making her this heart shaped box. It's going to look so cool when I'm done! Do you think Terra will like it?" His smile grew wider and his eyes sparkled.

Raven didn't answer, she just stared at him, her expression was blank. _I always loved the way your eyes seem to reflect the light, and that cute boyish grin of yours. It's captivating really and...oh dammit Raven! Stop it! You're acting like an immature, boy crazy thirteen year old! Show some maturity._

"So you don't think she'll like it?" he sounded disappointed, interpreting her stony stare as sarcastic disapproval. "What do you think I should give her then?"

_I've gotta stop staring!_ Quickly returning to her book, she shrugged, "I don't know. Ask Starfire, she's better at that sort of thing than I could ever be."

Beast Boy sighed, "But Raven, I'm asking you. I want your opinion. Besides, if Star knew, she'd spill. I know she wouldn't mean to but I really want it to be a huge surprise. You're the only person I trust not to say anything." Raven rolled her eyes. He winkled his brow, his face became uncharacteristically serious and contemplative, "You still don't trust Terra, do you Raven?" she shrugged. He continued, "I don't get it. You two have bonded I'm sure, you get along with her like you do everyone else, but I get the feeling that you hate her still."

"Why would I hate her?" Raven asked, harsher than intended. Her book blew up in her hands. _Damnit!_

Beast Boy looked at her with a frown, "Do you still think she's out to get us? If that's the case then I don't know what your deal is. She's already proved she's on our side! If you can't accept that then..."

"I don't hate her. I'm just not the person to ask," Raven replied. She pulled her hood up over her head. "How should I know what Terra would like?"

"I guess you're right. You couldn't really understand when it comes to this sort of thing, could you? You're too dark," he sighed genlty, not trying to sound mean, or accusing, but the words burned Raven like venom. Probably because it was true.

Raven subconsciously clutched her cloak in nervousness, but it went unnoticed by him, "That's right, I am." she said coldly. _Doesn't mean I don't care... that doesn't mean I don't feel... Argh! Raven get a friggin' grip on yourself already! So you love him big deal! It's not the end of the wor...love? No, I can't love him. I can't. We're just friends. Sure, I like him, a lot. He's cute and funny and sweet. Of all the people on this team he's the only one who's made any real effort to get to know me, to make me smile despite the danger and...oh crap!_ _Not again! I thought I dealt with this weeks ago! _Raven closed her eyes and tried desperately to will away her rogue emotions. She lowered her eyes to the floor and said softly, "I've gotta go."

"Aw gee Raven I'm sorry!" he called after her as she swiftly darted out of the room, "I didn't mean to offend you!"

Raven had then hidden away in her room to meditate on the subject. It wasn't the first time Raven had to have an emergency meditation session because of her silly little crush on Beast Boy. As much as she hated it, as much as she wanted to deny it, she had it for a while, and she had it bad. But it was the first time she realized it had elevated from a frivolous infatuation to love. And with Terra in the picture... Raven realized it had been a while since Beast Boy went out of his way to try and make her smile, attract her attention...

_Oh crap! Oh crap! Oh crap! _she thought as she had realized then that his affection for Raven had officially expired now that Terra was in his life to fill the void that Raven's repressed emotions left him. It was that conversation that helped Raven realize that she blew it.

Sighing Raven took another sip of tea and tried to convince herself that her meditation session was a success and that everything that had happened was for the better. It all helped her understand her feelings. Now that she understood what she was going through, she could deal with it and move on. It was after all pointless to dwell on such trivial matters such as love. Besides, like her happiest emotion said, she should be glad that Beast Boy is happy. He now has Terra to give him what she could never provide: love and affection.

_But then why do I all of a sudden feel so incomplete?_

Raven shook her head, dismissing the thought. It vanished into the darkest realms of her mind. She will not dwell on it. It wasn't like she could do anything about it. She tried to focus her mind on something else. Anything to get her mind off of Beast Boy. But no matter how hard she tried, his image seemed to etch itself into the back of her eyelids so every time she closed her eyes she saw him. _Focus Raven. Focus on something else._

She took a deep breath and attempted just that. She had been in her mirror world for who knows how long, just to sort out all her scattered thoughts, she couldn't let them unravel now. She couldn't afford to have to go back into her mirror world. It was dangerous to go in there twice in one night. It was dangerous to go in there period. That was why she only went in when it was an emergency.

She exhaled and tried to focus. She did like Beast Boy for a while now, but she never had a hard time keeping it together like she was having now. It was easy to deny it before Terra came along. It was easy to ignore it and lock it away. It was easy to put her silly infatuation away in a box and take it out when she pleased. It was easy when there wasn't any competition.

Terra's arrival only opened her eyes and forced her to see the truth about her feelings, that it was no longer a silly little crush, it was more than that. Terra's only crime was getting in between Raven and Beast Boy, getting in the way of their non-existent relationship. She was everything Raven was not, and because of that, it was so much more difficult to control herself.

It wasn't her fault. Terra had no idea how Raven felt. No one did, nor could they ever. Terra couldn't help it if she was the one who won Beast Boy's heart. It was easier for her. All she had to do was be herself and Beast Boy was hers. Raven however couldn't afford to be herself.

Sometimes Raven found it almost impossible to deny the fact that sometimes she longed to be open, carefree and happy, sometimes she longed to be able to laugh at Beast Boy's jokes, ride a roller coaster or play games for hours on end and enjoy it. It was _almost_ impossible to deny, but that didn't keep her from trying to deny that part of herself. She'd rather die than admit it. Perhaps that was why it was so hard. The entire situation was forcing her to acknowledge that side of her personality.

_If only I didn't have to be so opaque. If only my mind wasn't my prison. If only I was able to safely show him how I really feel when I had the chance. If only Terra never had come back, then he would still be trying to make me smile, he would still like me. If only... No. I mustn't dwell on 'if only's' that would only destroy me. But still... if only._

Raven rested her head on the kitchen table, using her folded arms as a pillow. She was so tired. It wasn't just because she needed sleep, it was because she needed to meditate, again. She was tired of meditating. She wanted to just give up and for once go a little crazy.

_Great,_ she thought, _yet another stupid, selfish thought to lock away someplace in my mind._ The thought did cross her mind a lot, but like her crush on Beast Boy, it was easy to ignore, until now. _Maybe I should get away, take a vacation or even just disappear. Now that Terra's here, they don't really need me anymore, and getting away from all this confusion... even if it's just for a little while, it will help clear my head of these ridiculous, forbidden thoughts._

It seemed like a wise decision, it would be good for her sanity, and good for the team. Raven rose to her feet and put her teacup into the sink deciding that she'd think about it. No, she'd seriously consider it.

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A/N Please, please, please! Leave me a review! All it takes is a clicky on the button down below and an honest opinion. Thank you muchly, have a nice day!


	3. The Request

A/N Thanks so much to everyone who has reviewed. Honestly, it means so much to me. Funny though how something intended to be a one shot can evolve because of a few encouraging reviews. I'd thank everyone individually but I'm rather pressed for time right now so sorry if I missed you. All of your reviews are a joy and mean a lot to me.

**dana1313**: Am I a Terra hater? Yes and no. I hate that she betrayed them and I feel sorry for her because she seemed to be a lost girl fallen into the charms of Slade, who she felt could give her what she needed, though nothing is worth sacrificing your friends over. (Keep in mind though that I havn't seen any episode past "Betrayal" since I can't watch TV anymore) She's definately _not_ one of my favourite characters though, I can tell you that.

**audi katia: **Love the roses. Thanks a bunch for the CC on this story. I agree with your points about dialogue, but in my defense the point of this story is to show the side of Raven we never see, without making her go out of character, ie: her thoughts. I think what goes through her head doesn't always coincide with how she comes across. And considering how she feels, her thoughts would be jumbled and confusing. We're supposed to feel confused right along with her, or at least that's my goal. Anyway, I've taken in what you said in consideration so hopefully this chapter is better. Always love CC, that's why I'm here so thanks a bundle. (Side note: You asked if you could use a line in my poem "Hide and Seek" a while ago. I'm honoured that it inspired you so go ahead and use it, so long as credit is given when credit is due. Sorry I took forever to get back to you on that.)

**SuperheroPajamaGirl: **I will see about the tenses when I get the chance, thanks for pointing it out. I'm so glad to hear you are enjoying this. Thanks for the reviews! BTW, a Terra/pointy stick ship would be very interesting....

**Ravens-Despair: **Your penname sums up this story. Fun. I'm so glad you thought so, I mean, I find it so hard to acurately portray Raven since she's so hidden.

**Crisis Haylo: **I love BB/Rave moments myself. I'm glad you liked that scene. Tears of blood...eeps, I hope there's a cure. LOL:P

**Spaz23:** Thanks for the review, I'm pleased that you like the detail. I like good detail myself so it makes me happy when people think I have good detail in my stories.

**Everyone Else:** Thanks a bunch for the reviews, they mean so much to me.

One more note, I hope that it is clear that everything in italics is Raven's thoughts. This is supposed to be entirely her POV (even though it is written 3rd person) so...yeah. I hope it's not too repetitive, scattered and confusing but then again, that's kind of the point since that's how Raven is supposed to feel. Does that make sense? Anyway I didn't have much time to proofread this chapter (I was so anxious to upload ) so forgive any typos or whatever. If it turns out to be too bad, I will fix it later.

Enjoy!!

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The morning everything changed Raven woke up with a strange feeling. Her heart was heavy, her mind was so crowded with scattered thoughts, mostly about Beast Boy and Terra and the fact that she was not the one he liked. She hated herself for feeling that way, she wasn't supposed to feel that way, but it didn't change the fact. But she was also filled with the uneasy thought that Terra might not be the girl everyone thought she was, but Raven forced herself to dismiss the thought. _You're just jealous. She has given us no reason not to trust her._ She sighed and hoped that Terra would be good to Beast Boy and give him everything Raven couldn't ever possibly give.

During her meditation session that morning she decided that leaving would be the wisest choice. There was no way she could keep her emotions contained much longer, not the way her heart would melt with quiet giddiness when she saw him, not the way her blood would boil with loathing when she saw Terra, not the way her soul would feel so heavy with longing when she saw them together. She had secretly destroyed half the breakable things in her room because of her unrequited crush. So far it only happened when she was trying to meditate, usually as she was trying to get herself into a trance.

No one even seemed to notice the secret battle she was having with herself, with her giddy, angst-ridden, frivolous side, the side she hated so much. She had managed so far to keep it hidden and she hoped that it would forever stay that way. But at this rate, the way things were going, it was only a matter of time before she'd reach her breaking point, before her secret would come out and she would become a threat to those she loved.

"Robin," Raven said quietly, "Can I talk to you?" She stopped the leader as he was on his way to the living room. She gently placed her hand on his shoulder.

He seemed surprised as he turned around to face her, like he had been deep in thought himself and she had startled him. "Sure, what is it?" He asked. "Is something wrong?"

Raven hesitated, "Yeah um... do you think we can speak somewhere private?" She didn't want to risk having someone listen in as she requested to take a leave of absence. Especially since she wasn't sure how long she would need, or even if she would come back. She had a lot of soul searching to attend to, and not just because of Beast Boy and Terra; there was so much on her shoulders to begin with. Even if she never had fallen for Beast Boy, even if he had never fallen for Terra, Raven realized that eventually she would grow tired, tired of fighting, tired of showing such restraint and she was destined to lose her control. It was only a matter of time.

Robin nodded as though he wasn't sure how to react to her sudden request to talk. "We can go to my room."

"OK," Raven nodded. _I guess I really don't confide in anyone,_ she thought, judging by the concerned shock on his face. It was true, she had never approached anyone for advice, she had never opened up to anyone to tell them what was on her mind. It had always had to be forced out of her. She revealed herself always on a need to know basis. But, this was something Robin at least, needed to know.

They slipped into his room, shutting the door behind him. Raven lingered by the doorway as Robin sat down on his bed. He invitingly motioned her to come in and take a seat. Reluctantly, she sat down at his desk. "So what's on your mind Raven?"

_What isn't?_ she thought. Raven heaved a big sigh, "I don't know where to begin..."

"It's OK," Robin nodded, "Take your time."

"Well, things lately have been..." she paused, "how do I say this? Strange."

"How so?" Robin asked, "Is it about Terra?"

Raven sat up to attention, "What? No. Yes. Maybe." _Oh crap. What am I doing?_

"What about her?" he asked.

"Nothing," Raven said quickly. She paused, mulling out what she was going to say. Robin waited patiently for her to continue. "I have some things that I need to deal with. It's kind of urgent that I deal with them."

"What?" Robin asked.

"That's not important," Raven replied. "Just please trust me when I say I need to be alone right now."

Robin looked confused.

With a sigh Raven elaborated, "I need to get away for a while."

"Why?"

Raven rolled her eyes, "It's not important."

"But if you're wanting to take time off, I need to know why," Robin said.

_Since when?_ Raven frowned, "Let's just say I have some personal issues to deal with. Alone."

Robin nodded, "All right. How long do you need then?"

"I don't know," Raven replied. "But with Terra here, I don't think you will miss me too much if I left."

Robin sat on his bed for a moment pondering Raven's request. "You know, somehow I get the feeling you're talking about quitting, not taking a vacation."

_Maybe I am, I don't know. _"Why do you say that?"

"I don't know," Robin sighed. "Forget I said that." There was a silent moment between the two most secretive members. "Raven, whatever it is you're dealing with...it's not something dangerous is it?"

_It might be if I stay here._ "No, of course not. I just need to get away."

Robin bit his lip, "Is there any chance you might want to think about this first?"

_Do I look like someone who's rash and thoughtless? I've been thinking about this all night!_ "I have been," Raven replied softly. "Come on Robin. Terra's powers are just as strong as mine, you don't need me anymore..." She clapped her hand over her mouth. _Damn._

Robin raised a brow, "So you _are_ thinking of quitting."

"No I am not," Raven shook her head, "but I might have to, if that's what it takes. You just have to believe me when I say that I need to get away. There are some things I need to deal with that I can't deal with here."

"Listen Raven, unless you tell me what is up, I can't let you take time off. I can't force you to stay if you want to quit, but I hope you'll reconsider, it wouldn't be the same without you. Besides, with everything going on with Slade, we may need you still."

"But Terra..."

"We may need you both to defeat Slade. Remember, not too long ago we would've lost our home if it weren't for the two of you working together," Robin pointed out.

Raven cringed slightly, _Thanks for reminding me. Like I really want to be reminded of that. _"I guess."

"You still don't trust her, do you?" Robin asked, looking at Raven curiously.

_Is it that obvious?_ _No. You do trust her, don't you? Argh, why does it always come back to this? You're just jealous! Terra's done nothing wrong. Stop it Raven, stop thinking like this. _"I don't know," Raven replied. "No, I do...trust her. She's proven herself. But I guess it is still rather hard to get along with her. But she's not the reason I want to leave." _Not completely at least._

Robin put his hand on her shoulder, "Look, why don't you think about this a little bit longer before making any decisions about what we've talked about. I'll think about it too. I'd just rather we wait to find out what Slade is up to before any of us take any vacation time. I know there is a lot on your plate that we may never find out about, I realize that. But is there anyway you can deal with whatever you need to deal with here? Can you wait on taking that time off?"

_I don't know if I can. You have no idea how much it burns to see Terra and Beast Boy together. You don't understand that I need to get away and get over him before I explode._ Raven thought. She bowed her head, "All right. Fine. I'll wait. But just until we know what Slade is up to. And I will meditate more on the subject, I'll try to deal with this here, though I don't think I can anymore because believe me, I've been trying. However, I'll respect your wishes and I shall wait."

"Thank you Raven," Robin said.

"Oh and Robin? Can we keep this conversation quiet, at least for now?"

"Of course," Robin smiled.

Raven nodded her head in respect, pulling her hood over her head. _I trust you Robin. Thanks for at least trying to understand. _"I'll see you later then." she turned to leave but Robin called her back. She turned, "What?"

"Raven, I realize that since Terra arrived that you seem to be the odd Titan out..."

_How is that much different than before Terra came? _"There's a even number of us."

"That's not what I meant. What I mean is, Terra is great, she's clicked with everyone...almost," he added with a knowing look at Raven, who glanced away, "and there is no denying the fact that she's been an asset on our team. And there's no denying that you and she have similar powers and strength..."

_You forgot to mention that hers are a 'gift' and mine are a 'curse' seeing as where they came from..._

"But Raven, don't think that we don't need you. No matter what, you are still, and always will be a vital member of the team. We will always need you and value you as a Titan and as a friend," Robin added.

_Funny, you seem to know exactly what I needed to hear and I didn't even know I needed to hear it. I don't exactly agree with it but...thank you Robin. _Raven thought. She smiled slightly, though it went unseen by Robin. She left without another word and disappeared into her room.

Alone again, Raven's mind went into overdrive. _What now Raven? You're stuck here with her, with him, with them...together. But it's only for a while longer. I suppose I could just leave anyway. Maybe stay close enough, or in touch so if I was needed I can be there. No. Robin meant it when he said he'd rather I not go, not unless I told him the reason. But I can't do that. How do I tell him, 'Oh I have to leave because I have this huge unrequited crush on Beast Boy... no I love Beast Boy but now that he's with that bitch...I mean now that he's in love with Terra I think I may go insane!' How do I tell him that? It's so stupid. It's such a shallow, stupid and selfish thought. Though it is true. But why? Why do I have to feel this way? How can I possibly fall out of love with him when I see him every day? How am I supposed to accept it and just get over the fact they're together. Why can't I just accept it damnit! _Raven startled when she realized she blew up yet another valuable item. One of her decorative masks. _OK, you seriously need to get a grip. _

Raven looked at a picture she had of everyone. Starfire insisted that everyone get a copy of the group picture she had the waitress at the pizza place take of everyone. She didn't want a copy but Starfire was relentless. In fact Raven had two pictures. Two photos of the Teen Titans. One before Terra and one after.

She looked at the most recent. They were on the patio at the Pizzeria sitting at a round table. Raven, Starfire and Terra were seated, and the guys stood behind them. Robin stood in the space between Raven and Starfire, Cyborg stood behind Starfire and Terra, Beast Boy was kind of to the side and stood behind Terra. He had his hand on her shoulder, she had her hand on his and was looking up at him slightly while he, though technically he was standing behind her, he had leaned to the side and was looking at her in the picture, with his typical, 'look at me, I'm the funny one' smile that Raven had grown to love and hate. He was trying to catch Terra's attention though, instead of playing for the camera like he usually did.

With a sigh Raven compared it to the older picture. It was taken at the carnival. From left to right there was Beast Boy, then Cyborg, then Raven, then Starfire then Robin. Beast Boy was leaning in front of everyone, as though he leaped into the shot at the last moment, his arms were in a 'look at me!' pose with the biggest, goofiest smile on his face. As a result Cyborg was leaning the opposite way so he wouldn't be hidden behind Beast Boy, though Cyborg was so tall and Beast Boy so short, it didn't make much of a difference. Looking closely Raven realized that Beast Boy was looking at her, as though he was seeking to gain her approval for his antics. In the picture her eyes, though hidden by her hood were rolling in disgust.

Raven shuddered with heartache. At the time the picture was taken, she didn't think he liked her and his boyish charm still hadn't grown on her. At the time she was perfectly fine with being the cold girl who had no choice but to keep everyone at arms length. It never did bother her that she had to be emotionless and distant for the sake of mankind. Oh how quickly that changed.

When he and Cyborg entered her mind, she had been taken aback by his loyalty to her, when he was clearly still somewhat afraid of her. She admired him for that. That was when she had finally come to accept him for who he is, and liked him for it, though it wouldn't be until Terra first arrived when she realized just how much she like him. Looking back she realized how much he cared for her when he didn't even know her. He liked her from the very beginning and she was too blind to see it. Now it was too late.

_I should be glad that he's given up on me. I should be glad that he's with her. He needs someone who can laugh at his jokes, and appreciate him for who he his. How could I possibly ever do that? I could never show him how I feel. I shouldn't pretend that I ever could. I should be glad. But why is it that not matter how much I tell myself this, I just feel worse? Why is it so hard to just accept it?_

Raven meditated for a few hours. When she was done she felt a little better than before, a little more in control of her feelings, a little more accepting. Her secret longing was still there, but it was tolerable. So long as she didn't think about him, she'd be fine.

She opened her door and stepped out. Just her luck, the first person she saw was Beast Boy, poking his head out of his bedroom door, motioning her to come over. Suddenly all the benefits she reaped from meditating began to wither away. She could practically feel her self-control begin to escape, though she managed to hide it well.

"Hey Raven, c'mere!" he waved.

Raven's heart skipped a beat. _Not again. _She took deep breath, "Can it wait? I'm busy."

His face dropped, "Oh." He looked almost betrayed.

_I'm sorry Beast Boy, I don't want to disappoint you. If you only knew... _"Maybe later?" Raven asked, trying to remain calm and controlled while trying to sound a little sympathetic. To her dismay she still came off as cold.

Beast Boy opened his mouth to reply when Terra's voice rang through the corridor.

"Hey B! We're playing Cranium, wanna be on my team?" she asked.

Immediately he brightened, "I'm so there!" he exclaimed, running after her without taking so much as a second glance at Raven, as though she was never there.

Raven slinked back into her room. Her bedside lamp exploded. _Damnit! Raven get a hold of yourself. Accept it already! Terra and Beast Boy are perfect for each other. She's the one who can make him happy! Stop being such a selfish idiot! _she scolded herself. _I don't know how much longer I can put up with this. Why can't I just get over it? Why did I have to fall in love? It's stupid! _She accidentally tossed some of her books across the room. In defeat Raven sank to the floor, leaning against the wall. _Why did this have to happen? I'm not supposed to feel. I'm not supposed to fall in love. I'm not like Terra, who is everything I can never be. I can never be the type of girl he needs. I can't be there for him, I can't laugh at his jokes, I can't play those silly games with him. I can't show him how much I really do care. How could I possibly show him that I love him? Why can't I just get over it and be happy for him? Why must this stupid feeling eat away at me like this no matter how hard I try to repress it? _

She suddenly felt moisture on her cheek. As she wiped it away she realized, much to her surprise, that it was a tear. _I don't care what Robin says, I need to get away._

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A/N Well I hope you enjoyed. I have to share this, since I can empathize with Raven in the sense that I too, tend to hide my true feelings (especially when I'm angry or really like someone). I think it would suck to be Raven since the poor girl has no choice but to stay quiet. At least when I feel down and broken hearted I can talk to someone and have a cry if I need to, or if I'm mad, I can let it all out (hopefully on something inanimate) and deal with it. Raven can't, that's why in this story, she's finding coping with her unrequited crush next to impossible. Hold in such a strong emotion like love or anger, sooner or later you want to explode. Or at least I do. Eek, soo sorry about the little rant, but this is sort of the inspiration (or one of the inspirations) for this story so... OK, I'll shut up now.

This is the part where you review and tell me what you think. Please and Thank you!


	4. Heart Shaped Box

A/N I hope you enjoy this latest chapter!

Thanks to my reviewers:

**Instant Coffee: **I can't believe I almost made you cry. I take that as a compliment even though that really wasn't my intention, making a tear jerker that is. Hmm... Anyway, I hope you've managed to chillax and alleviate all the stress you've been feeling some! Thanks as always for the review!

**Crisis Haylo: **Yeah, I can't watch TV at all. I don't have cable or pesant vision. All I can watch is a blue screen or snowstorm at midnight :P. I heard about that episode with the BB/Rave moments. Coolness. I wish I could've seen "Spellbound", mostly though because I'm a huge Raven fan. (Obviously, all my TT stories center around her:P)

**Vash, Tinkerbellx2, unknown(x2), Slayergirl1362, LivingImpaired: **Thanks a bunch for the compliments. All your reviews are appreciated.

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_My friends,_

_I am so sorry to abandon you like this. Honestly I do not want to leave, but I fear that I have no choice. I wish I could explain to you fully the reason I had to leave, but I don't know how I could. You wouldn't understand if I told you, believe me. Let's just say that it is getting harder and harder for me to control myself and my powers. But I hope you all trust that I left for your own good. The last thing I want to do is hurt you and I am afraid that if I stay I might. You mean too much to me._

_Robin, I know I said I'd wait, but I honestly think that if I wait much longer I would lose it. I don't mean to disrespect your wishes but I have no choice, just please trust me._

_Raven_

Raven read her note. _Damn, that sounds so...lame._ She tore the paper off her stationary pad, crumpled it into a ball and tossed it. With a fresh piece of paper she wrote:

_Guys I'm sorry to leave you like this. Just so you know, I'm OK, but there are some things I need to deal with on my own. I don't want to leave, but I have to. Just trust me when I say I have no choice. It's for your own good. Take care._

_Raven_

There was so much Raven wanted to say, but she was satisfied with that. She folded the note and placed it on her pillow. She didn't want them to find the note until she was long gone, so she felt it was safe there. They wouldn't go into her room, but when they find her missing, they would probably go in for clues. She put her mirror, her favourite book from home, and a change of clothes in a bag. She sighed. She was ready to go even though she had decided to leave at night, when everyone would be asleep, that would reduce the risk of running into someone on her way out. That would be the last thing she'd need, a forced explanation.

She decided to meditate again, feeling overwhelmed with anxiety. It seemed that meditating was all she did anymore. _I'm so sick of doing this..._ she sighed, took in a deep breath and whispered, "Azarath, metrion, zinthos...azarath, metrion, zinthos..." _What am I going to do when I leave? What if Robin's right and they do end up needing me? What about Beast Boy? Will he be glad I'm gone? Will he forget me? _

CRASH!!!!

Raven's eyes snapped open at the sound. She broke the glass frame of one of her paintings on the wall. _I wasn't concentrating hard enough... arghhh!! _Raven thought in frustration as another decorative mask broke. She closed her eyes. _Just focus...don't think about him...don't think about her...don't..._

"Hey Raven?" she heard a knock on the door. It sounded like Terra.

_Great. Just what I need... _Raven chose to ignore her.

The knocking persisted, "Ra-aven! I know your in there. There was a crash, are you OK?"

Frustrated, and feeling the onslaught of a tension headache Raven opened the door. _All the times I have accidentally broken things in here lately, and you just noticed the crashing noises NOW?_

"What?" Raven asked coldly.

Terra looked at her strangely, "Are you OK?"

Raven nodded and was about to close the door in her face when Terra stepped forward. "Wait. Raven, do you want to hang out or something?"

"Why would I want to do that?"

"Well, why not?" Terra shrugged, "We haven't really hung out much."

"I thought it was obvious that I don't _do_ hanging out," Raven replied. "Besides, aren't you guys still playing your game?"

Terra's hair fell in her eyes so she casually tucked her thick blonde locks behind her ear, "Nah. BB and I won and Cy and Robin are pouting now. It's quite funny."

"Why don't you hang out with Starfire?" Raven asked.

"We hang out all the time," Terra shrugged, "besides, she's in her garden, and she said she didn't want to be disturbed right now."

_Well, that's a first, how ironic._ "Well, neither do I."

Terra frowned, "Please Raven? I hardly know anything about you..."

"Not many people do," Raven shrugged. "I intend to leave it that way."

"But Raven, we're friends, aren't we?" Terra looked somewhat hurt, "I mean, don't you trust me? Come on Raven, we need some bonding time."

Raven thought about it a moment. She felt terrible, not only because she was leaving, but matter how hard she tried, ultimately she just couldn't bring herself to like Terra. Terra did nothing wrong, though it was true, Raven didn't trust her, the problems with Beast Boy aside, but again, Raven forced herself to call her suspicions mere jealousy. _I guess since I'm gone anyway tonight, I should try to be a little nicer...but on the other hand, we can't hang out either, I'd probably blow something up the way I feel right now.. I hate myself. And I hate that you Terra, had to come along and become Beast Boy's perfect match, all it does is rub it in my face that I could never be anyone's match. _"Maybe later?"

The expression on Terra's face told Raven that Raven sounded as phoney as she felt. But Terra just sighed and shrugged, "All right. Later." Raven didn't even wait to watch her leave, instead she just closed the door in the blonde's face.

Raven leaned against the door and sank to the floor, holding her face in her hands, trying so hard to repress the overpowering thoughts and feelings that were forcing their way out.

_Terra, why did you have to come along anyway? Why did you have to force me to acknowledge a side of myself that I hate? I love Beast Boy, and no matter how hard I tried to repress those stupid feelings, _you_ had to come along and bring them to the surface full force! And you had to win him over, just by existing! Just by being perfect, and powerful, and by being yourself! I hate you. I hate myself... I wish that you never came along. Then things would be like before, Beast Boy would still like me, I would still have control over my emotions, I would still be satisfied with having him as just a friend, a best friend, I wouldn't have to leave. Nothing would've changed. And why, why, _why_ do I sometimes get the feeling that you're not who you say you are? Is it because I'm jealous? Damnit Raven, why do I have to let myself get so jealous?!_

Everything in Raven's room began to levitate as she covered her ears with her hands and tried to hold back a scream that was trying to escape. She couldn't believe how stressed she was feeling, and it had to be over something so stupid, so selfish, so childish.

A sudden, cheerful knock on the door knocked Raven back to her senses. Everything that was floating dropped back in place and Raven rose to her feet, immediately finding the calm she was trying to find. Thinking it was Terra again she opened the door and said dryly, "What now?"

But it wasn't Terra, instead it was Beast Boy. He looked surprised by her reaction, wrinkling his brow and his grin turned to a frown. "Hey Raven, can I talk to you now?" he asked.

_Yes. _"I guess," Raven replied blankly, the frustrated stress and anger that had been on the verge of consuming her was replaced by quiet giddiness and joy, giving her butterflies at the pit of her stomach, filling her with confusion. Beast Boy perked up, grinning widely as they headed towards his room. _There's that smile. I love it when you smile like that. Don't ever change Beast Boy..._

He glanced around, "I'm almost finished the you-know-what for you-know-who. I'd love for you to tell me what you think."

Raven stopped in her tracks, loneliness, jealousy and the stress she had been feeling rushed back to the surface, hidden only by Raven's exhausting attempts at keeping her face calm and nonchalant . _Oh yeah. That box thingy for Terra. Damn. Raven you are so stupid. Why else would he want to see you? He just wants your opinion again. Why me Beast Boy? Why do you want to know what I think anyway? Terra and I are nothing alike remember? I'm dark, I'm creepy. She's fun and normal. _

"Is something wrong?" Beast Boy asked.

"Huh? No," Raven replied. _Yes. _

Beast Boy shrugged, "OK if you say so."

Raven raised a brow, "You don't believe me?"

Rolling his eyes Beast Boy grinned, "Come on Raven, you hide it well, but something is bothering you. You seem... distracted. That usually means something is on your mind."

"No it doesn't," Raven insisted

Beast Boy opened the door to his room, "You're one of my best friends, I know you better than you think. You have these subtle quirks. Usually you get them when you think no one's looking. Right now they tell me something is bothering you," He shrugged, "I know whatever it is, you probably don't want to talk about it. That's OK. But you know, if you ever do... well I'll listen."

"Thanks," Raven replied. _Wow. You really _do_ know me. You're smarter and more observant than I used to give you credit for. I just wish that I realized it sooner than I did. I just wish I could show you how I feel. I love you Beast Boy, more than you can ever know. _Raven put her hood up over her head as her ability to remain stoic slowly began to diminish. She felt the moisture of a tear falling down her cheek again. _Damn it, since when do I start crying? Get a grip Raven. _When she was absolutely sure Beast Boy wasn't looking she wiped it away.

Beast Boy went to his desk, "Check this out Raven." He picked up a heart shaped box. "Do you think Terra will like this?"

Raven subconsciously grabbed her cloak, feeling slightly nauseous from jealousy, "Uh, I don't know. I guess." _It's beautiful. She will love it. I wish you made it for me._

"You don't seem sure?"

"I think it's lovely," Raven replied, trying to erase the selfish thoughts out of her mind.

"Thanks," Beast Boy beamed.

"Why do you want my opinion anyway? Like I said before, I don't know what Terra would like. We really don't have much in common." Raven pointed out.

Beast Boy didn't seem to listen. He was inspecting the box, and began touching up on the detail. "Do you think Terra likes me?" he asked out of the blue.

Raven jumped. Though it was slight, he looked at her curiously. Raven was clearly at a loss as to what to say. Her selfish side wanted to say 'no' in the hopes that maybe, just maybe Beast Boy would give up on Terra, but she again forced herself to resist the temptation. "I...I don't know. You know, I'm really not the person to ask."

Beast Boy frowned, "Come on Raven. You're an empath right? Doesn't that mean you know how people are really feeling? Does Terra like me or not?"

"My empathy powers don't work that way," Raven said coldly.

"You still don't like her do you?" his eyes narrowed.

"Can we not start that again?" Raven asked.

"Fine, but let me ask you something. Why don't you like her? What has she done to you? Huh?" To Raven he sounded unnaturally harsh, but sadly she figured he would get defensive when it came to the girl he loved.

_What has she done? Only helped me realize I have feelings for you. She only pointed out the fact that you liked me once. She only stole your heart, taking you away from me. She only reminds me every day that she is everything I can never be and more. _"Nothing. She did nothing. We just don't see eye to eye. That's all," Raven said quietly. Another tear threatened to escape, she looked away. There was an awkward silence. "And for the record... I think Terra..." _Don't say it. Don't say it. It's not her fault she's so wonderful. You're just being selfish Raven. Think of Beast Boy... think of his happiness. Just because I don't trust her doesn't mean I should bring it up, certainly not now that I'm leaving. _

"You think Terra what?" he asked, perking up slightly, but he gave her a wary look, like he knew what she was going to say.

"I think Terra..." she hesitated, "does like you," Raven replied finally. She really did think so.

Beast Boy's eyes lit up in a way that made Raven's heart want to melt, "Really?"

Raven nodded, though it hurt her to do so. But it was the right thing to do. _They really are perfect for each other._

Beast Boy looked light, as though he was walking on air, "Too cool! Oh Raven thank you! You're the best!"

"Um...thanks?"

"I was so worried that Terra might not really like me, but now that you said that... dude this is so cool, because now that I know Terra likes me, I'm going to ask her out on a date tonight!" Beast Boy exclaimed.

Raven lurched at the word 'date' and the box Beast Boy made for Terra suddenly fell apart in a fizzle of black energy.

"Oops," Raven muttered, red in the face.

"What did you do that for?" Beast Boy asked, looking as if she had blown up his heart instead. He picked up the pieces and inspected them.

"I am so sorry," Raven whispered, clapping a hand over her mouth. "Let me fix it." She reached for the mirror part that went inside.

"I got it," Beast Boy snatched it away as he spoke, placing emphasis on all his words. Raven felt overwhelmed with guilt, it took everything she had to control herself to keep from accidentally doing it again. Beast Boy looked over the damage and relaxed. "It doesn't look too bad. A bit more glue, and new hinges, it will almost look as though nothing happened. I'll have to trash the little compartments that went inside, but I don't think Terra will know they were ever there."

Raven shook her head, "I'm really sorry. Please... I can fix it."

"You've done enough," Beast Boy said quietly.

_Ouch._ "It was an accident."

He looked her in the eyes. His expression gave an odd mixture of accusation and sympathy. To Raven, he seemed unsure what to think, he quickly looked away and said quietly, "I know." Though he was clearly confused, he sounded angry. Raven couldn't blame him, and that only made her feel worse.

"I...I have to go...meditate," Raven said softly, before dashing out of his room. This time he didn't call out after her.

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A/N, Well, I hope you all enjoyed. Sorry it took so long to update. I hope y'all will check out my other stories too!

Have a Happy Halloween!


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